Monday, January 8, 2007

Mock Draft I

Welcome to NFLOL, a joint, (hopefully) comedic venture between two good friends about the NFL. We begin with a mock draft for you kind readers. Picks 25-32 are based on our "expert" opinion on the playoffs.

1. Raiders - JaMarcus Russell, QB, LSU
Can the Raiders really be this dumb? We say yes.
2. Lions - Brady Quinn, QB, Notre Dame
This will be Roger Goodell's best move as commissioner yet, reading off Quinn's name instead of Calvin Johnson's.
3. Buccaneers - Joe Thomas, OT, Wisconsin
After adding a star left tackle, everyone will watch Bruce Gradkowski or Chris Simms blossom into the stars they truly are.
4. Browns - Adrian Peterson, HB, Oklahoma
His stock skyrocketed on Cleveland's board this year. All he needs to do is get in a car accident and the Browns will be sure to snatch him up.
5. Cardinals - Levi Brown, OT, Penn State
Matt Leinart will sure benefit from one-fifth of something that can be called an offensive line.
6. Redskins - Gaines Adams, DE, Clemson
With a top ten pick, the Redskins can tack on another $30 million to a seemingly limitless payroll... and still finish last in the NFC East.
7. Vikings - Calvin Johnson, WR, Georgia Tech
The biggest shock will not be the choice of Johnson, but the deafening silence of the Metrodome when he catches passes.
8. Texans - Tony Ugoh, OT, Arkansas
The draft is stopped for ten minutes as Roger Goodell is forced to explain to Texans management that Reggie Bush was in the 2006 draft, and the team scrambles for a name.
9. Dolphins - Amobi Okoye, DT, Louisville
On arrival to Dolphins training camp, Okoye will instantly age seven years older to keep the average age of the Dolphins D-line up.
10. Falcons - Jeff Samardzija, WR, Notre Dame
The Falcons brass will be overjoyed to have found a target for Michael Vick, then be shocked to learn that he is white and will have no NFL future.
11. 49ers - Reggie Nelson, CB, Florida
Apparently, misinformation led the 49ers to believe Nelson's last name was Bush.
12. Bills - Leon Hall, CB, Michigan
The Bills feel a great need to draft another corner back to help stop the Patriots' wide receivers. However, it is not until after the draft that they realize that the Patriots don't have any wide receivers.
13. Rams - Quinn Pitcock, DT, Ohio State
The Rams believe Pitcock will help them stop the run, but they fail to realize that they need 11 defensive players, not one.
14. Panthers - LaRon Landry, FS, LSU
Landry will be very disappointed when hearing his name called here, because he will be one of the tiny percentage of defensive backs who won't have the chance to intercept a terrible Jake Delhomme pass.
15. Steelers - Darrelle Revis, CB, Pittsburgh
Steelers management should include a clause in Revis' contract forcing him to be unable to receive motorcycle lessons from Ben Roethlisberger.
16. Packers - Marshawn Lynch, HB, Cal
The Packers rush this pick after not paying attention to the clock and paying more attention to Brett Favre standing awkwardly at a news conference, dodging the point of whether he will come back or not.
17. Jaguars - Brian Brohm, QB, Louisville
In enough time, Jack Del Rio will be out in Jacksonville, and Bobby Petrino will leave a new seven-year deal in Atlanta for the chance to coach his former player.
18. Bengals - Leroy Jones, Inmate, Ohio State Penitentiary
The Bengals see great potential in Jones, as he was in jail on three counts of assault. [Actual pick: Alan Branch, DT, Michigan]
19. Titans - Dwayne Jarrett, WR, USC
Jarrett will give 2006 Rookie of the Year Vince Young a good target to throw to, but unfortunately, all balls thrown in Jarrett's direction will be five feet over his head.
20. Giants - Marcus McCauley, CB, Fresno State
We couldn't think of anything funny for this, so you can just laugh at the fact that a Fresno State player went in the first round.
21. Broncos - Daymeion Hughes, CB, California
R.I.P. Darrent Williams
22. Cowboys - Ben Grubbs, OG, Auburn
Upon hearing the last name of his new lineman was Grubbs, coach Bill Parcells licked his lips, thinking of the barbeque ribs he would eat later that night.
23. Chiefs - Adam Carriker, DE, Nebraska
Now that the Chiefs can put pressure on the quarterback, expect teams to keep running over them.
24. Jets - Demarcus Tyler, DT, NC State
Contrary to popular belief, Dewayne Robertson is actually undersized.
25. Patriots (from Seahawks) - LaMarr Woodley, OLB, Michigan
The Patriots have trouble signing Woodley, since they have to stay about $10 million under the cap to even out the average league salary because of Washington.
26. Eagles - Patrick Willis, ILB, Mississippi
Hopefully, Willis will get the memo NOT to wear a Santa suit in Philadelphia.
27. Patriots - Dwayne Bowe, WR, LSU
With this pick, Tom Brady finally has an NFL-caliber wide receiver, and sends Bill Belichick a gift basket of pre-hacked Patriots hoodies.
28. Colts - Paul Posluszny, OLB, Penn State
After miraculously shutting down Larry Johnson in the playoffs, the Colts remembered that they need linebackers on their team.
29. Ravens - Troy Smith, QB, Ohio State
Could shoot up to the Titans at #19 with a score of five or less on the Wonderlic.
30. (Da) Bears - Colt Brennan, QB, Hawaii
He can sure throw the ball past defenders, even if it's at the cost of overthrowing his receivers by ten yards.
31. Saints - Quentin Moses, OLB, Georgia
Moses can finally speak to the hallowed Bush of his dreams.
32. Chargers - Craig Davis, WR, LSU
Some more exterior blocking for LaDainian Tomlinson.

That's our take.


Mr.Poopaholic said...

the broncos arent gunna pick up a CB
they have champ bailey
enough said
and the giants need
marcus vick
little sister
she can throw better than eli manning

Scott said...

i dont see the jets holding on to their first round pick. expect a trade involving cedric houston or leon washington and the 1st rounder for either a top running back playing today or future picks.

Anonymous said...

no calvin johnson isnt dropping that far

Anonymous said...

Calvin Johnson to da raiders baby! Especially when they find out that their top receiver this season doesn't go by the name randy moss or jerry porter--ronald who? You know your receivers suck when your leading receiver by far has under 800 yds and 1 TD...